Odd (and interesting) because on a personal level, in reference to something very different, I feel the exact same way as all of them (both sides). I am extremely happy -- and full of joy and anticipation for the partying and celebration the 7th will bring, and struggling with feelings of disappointment, anger and resentment as well.
None of my feelings are related to the Presidential Election (not that it was not important and significant to me and that I did not vote and did not have a clear preference), it is just that I am not into focusing on politics here -- this blog, focused on parenting and all of the fun, growth and learning that takes place with my boys, is not a place to discuss the election.
No, November 7th is significant to me for a very different reason. It is the day my first son was born -- 3 years ago. So, I am absolutely full of joy for this important date and know we will have a day full of celebration. His birth truly is worthy of a great celebration for all of the wonder, joy, and love he has brought into my life. It is also a day that brings with it other feelings -- and is a day that I have decided, this year, will include some healing. For it is a day that commemorates not only his birth, but my birthing experience, which was a far cry from what I had hoped, expected and wanted.
My mother (left, with Wild Thing on Nov. 7, 2009) had (relatively) easy births with no epidural and no complications or problems, despite all of her children being born prematurely. It never occurred to me that mine would be any different. In fact, with birthing books/classes, etc., I did not even read/listen to any of the information on what happened during a Cesarean birth. Why would I? It would never happen to me. I was prepared to have a natural child birth. I saw C-Sections as procedures pushed by doctors that were most often not actually necessary. My birth would be perfect - no medication, no problems.
Can you tell where this is going? It was anything but -- there were IVs, oxygen, problems with the baby's heart rate. I was taking too long to dilate and the baby was in too much distress. After 9 hours of labor, it seemed that his heart stopped beating (or they could not find a trace of it), I needed oxygen and was terrified and was only 4 cm dilated. The room was full of fear for me. The medical staff all of the sudden became very quiet and focused (which is always a bad sign). In a whirl, I signed some papers authorizing the surgery and was whisked away. My husband had to wait in the hall for the beginning of the prep. I am sure he was only there for a few minutes, but for both of us it felt like an eternity.
I kept thinking - What if the baby does not make it? Then - What if the baby makes it, but I do not?
|Smiling with Daddy on Day 1!|
On November 7th this year my goal is to let go of that anger, that resentment and all of the disappointment that comes with not having the experience that I had wanted, particularly with such a significant life event. I must let go because the blame and resentment do nothing for me. They will not change anything, and all of those thoughts and possibilities and questions about what I could have done differently to change the outcome, do NOT change the outcome. I could have done EVERYTHING that I think back and wish I had done and STILL ended up having a C-Section. Or not. The point is, there is no way to know, so there is no reason to keep holding on to those dark feelings. They will not make anything better.
So, this year I am letting go -- I will free myself of those feelings - because I am a mother. I am his mother - and a birthing experience does not a mother make. Many of the mothers I admire the most adopted their children -- great mothers whose love and commitment to their kids floors me on an almost daily basis. Allowing the negativity of my birthing experience make me feel, in some small way, that I failed as a mother, is pure nonsense. I know this intellectually, but have struggled to know it emotionally. I can mourn (and have) that various realities and circumstances have kept me from having that experience with either of my sons, but I have decided that on November 7th I will engage in small acts that will help me let go of that negativity and forgive myself, so that I can move forward on this day with only joy.
I deserve that, just like Wild Thing deserves the best 3rd birthday ever. (The Thomas the Train birthday banner is already up.) So, today (for it is now the 7th), I celebrate. How can I not?
Day 7 of #21DaysofGratitude #22ThankfulDays: I bet you can guess...Of course, full of gratitude for this beautiful not so baby anymore boy. :)